Sirius Black and the Legend of Sirius Black
by mumblybee
Summary: The totally true story of how Sirius was so awesome all the time forever and ever. Excerpt: "Sirius," he said at last, "if I promise to always be your friend, and never let anyone be mean to you, will you come out of the refrigerator?"
1. Prologue

**PROLOGUE**

Sirius Black was naked. Most babies are when they're born, after all, except for Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore who was born wearing a purple banana suit and go-go boots, but, you know. That's Dumbledore for you.

Anyway so Sirius Black was naked and screaming because he was a baby and that's what babies do when they first experience the world because the world is SCARY, you guys. Seriously, have you ever watched, like, the nature channel? I have. And I have learned that the world is friggin terrifying. Especially if you're a sluggish zebra.

Soooooooo Sirius was all AAAUAUUUUUGHJHJJJJ THE WOOORRRLLLDDDD and his parents were just like, ugh. Shut up. Because I don't know if you've heard but they were pretty terrible people. You know why?

THEY WEREN'T ACTUALLY HIS PARENTS! They stole him from a unicorn! Yes, Sirius Black's mother was really a unicorn. Neither of the Blacks knew who his father was but they didn't care, they just saw this unicorn with this baby future-ex-convict and they were like OMG FREE BABY! NOW THAT'S A GREAT DEAL! (They were always looking for good deals.)

And then they stole him. It was pretty easy, they just picked him up and walked away while the unicorn was busy posing for Lisa Frank stationery. When the poor unicorn mama got back to the stroller she'd left her newborn Sirius in, well she just cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.

So now he was naked and screaming in his Fake Mom's arms as his Fake Dad looked on and grumbled about unicorns eating all his prize begonias because his Fake Dad was a gardener extraordinaire.

"What should we name him?" asked Fake Mom.

"Begonias," muttered Fake Dad.

"Perfect!" said Fake Mom. "Hewo widdle Begonias!" she cooed at the baby, but suddenly Sirius's eyes narrowed and he pointed a tiny finger accusingly at her face.

"MY NAME IS SIRIUS," he announced in a voice so loud that it shook the entire Earth like a…um…like a milkshake?

Then he went back to burbling and gurbling and wurbling and murbling innocently as babies tend to do, and Fake Mom blinked at him in surprise.

"Sirius, then," she said faintly.

"Begonias," agreed her husband. He was so worried about his begonias that he forgot all the other words in the English language and never said anything else ever again.

Sirius smiled a wicked, impossible-for-a-newborn smile.

AND SO THE LEGEND BEGAN.


	2. Chapter 1

**.Chapter One.**

Everyone in the world agreed that Sirius Black was a beautiful child. As he got older, his beauty only increased, and by age nine sometimes people found him impossible to look upon due to his delicious, shining, sparkly gawgeousness. Even when he didn't bathe for weeks! (Which he didn't.)

Despite his heart-stopping, stunningly handsome visage, Sirius did have some haters. Namely, his fake parents.

"SIRIUSSSSS!" screeched Fake Mom one day at breakfast. "YOU FORGOT TO WATER THE BEGONIIIIAAAAS!"

"BEGONIAAAAAS!" agreed Fake Dad, spearing a syrupy piece of waffle with his fork and devouring it with inhuman speed.

Sirius sighed, set down his crystal goblet of orange juice, and flipped back his dark, silky hair in annoyance. "Oh, parents," he said pityingly. "You just don't get it. I'm _beautiful_." He stared significantly at his fake mother with those piercing grey eyes that made people all over the world faint from just a glimpse.

Fake Mom was unimpressed. "GO. WATER. THE. BEGONIAS!" she screamed, throwing a plate at her fake son's head for good measure. It got within an inch of him and then dissolved due to his magnificence.

"Fine!" Sirius said angrily. He stood and pushed his chair in with unnecessary force, causing the table to wobble crazily and sending a stack of waffles straight at Fake Dad!

"Begonias?" Fake Dad gasped as the waffles collided with his face. It was the last word he ever spoke.

"Oh, sorry about that," said Sirius to Fake Mom as she tried desperately to resuscitate Fake Dad. "Guess I'll go water the pneumonias or whatever." He sauntered out of the room.

Fake Mom was less than pleased with her fake son for waffle-murdering his fake father. She grounded him for two whole weeks, but Sirius didn't really mind. There was always a throng of admirers standing outside his bedroom window, ooh-ing and aah-ing at every twitch of his facial expression, and he rather enjoyed the attention.

One day, though, a new face appeared amongst the admirers…a face that was almost as perfect and beautiful as Sirius himself, though not quite as exquisite.

This face pressed itself up against the window and said, loudly enough that Sirius could just barely make out the words, "Do I dazzle you?"

Sirius blinked, watching idly from his bed with a comic book in hand. "Not really," he said. "Who are you?"

"YOUR BROTHER!" screamed the younger boy, jumping up and down with sudden and inexplicable glee. He then proceeded to catapult through the window (which closed right back up immediately due to, y'know, magic and stuff) and land on Sirius's bed, grinning with absolute delight.

"That was pretty cool," Sirius said. "I guess you can stay. What's your name?"

"Reginaldinuscorneliusus," said Sirius's supposed brother.

Sirius tilted his head. "Huh. Regulus. That's a good name I guess."

"That's…that's not what I said."

"Isn't it, though?" Sirius replied, staring with a strange intensity at the boy. _**"Isn't it?**_**"**

The supposed brother shrank back in abject terror. "Y-yes, whatever you say!"

And so, Regulus joined the Black family.


	3. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

One day when Sirius was 97 years old (in unicorn years that is; he was actually only ten in human years), he was skipping down the street AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT when suddenly he saw a bicycle!

And not just any old bicycle. A bicycle ridden by a werewolf!

"AWWOOOOOOO OOOOOOORRRRRGGGHH HHAAAAFF FFPPPPOOOOO!" howled the werewolf as he pedaled madly toward Sirius.

"ROCK ON!" Sirius encouraged the mad beast. He then immediately contradicted this encouragement by knocking the werewolf off the bike with a solid punch to the face.

"Grrrrrrrnnnnnaaaaaaaaauuuuugh," the poor little werewolf sobbed, face down on the asphalt, paws scraping uselessly at the pavement in distress.

"And that's why you should never ride a bike," Sirius told the creature, turning smartly on his heel and marching away. 

A few days later, Sirius was in his room playing Kingdom Hearts when his cell phone began to ring.

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!" sang the phone. Sirius sighed, paused the game just as he was about to level up, and flipped open his phone.

"What is it?" he said, not bothering to conceal his annoyance.

"Hello, Mr. Sirius Black? My name is Tumbletoes McGibbons. I'm from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Horrible Vicious Monsters. We received a report that you recently assaulted a werewolf who was attempting to go for a bike ride in your neighborhood. We regret to inform you that this werewolf has decided to sue you for the price of his facial reconstructive surgery."

There was a long pause. Partially because Sirius was thinking of a suitable response, but mostly because he had resumed playing the video game.

"Listen," Sirius said at last, "I'm really busy right now. Tell the scraggly little ravenous beast that he can come over for poker night later though, okay?"

"I don't think that's exactly –"

"No you hang up first! Okay, okay, I will," Sirius laughed affectionately. He flipped the phone closed and threw it out the window.

"Tell me what you want what you really really want!" the phone sang again after a few minutes, muffled by the flower bed it had fallen into.

"Screw you, you friggin' Heartless," Sirius muttered, feverishly mashing the buttons on his Playstation 2 controller. He was not very good at video games. Mostly he just hit the buttons really hard until something cool happened. Sometimes he tried to charm the game into submission, tossing his hair and flashing the screen a brilliant smile, but that never seemed to work. Stupid Muggle inventions. Couldn't even recognize true beauty, could they? No, Sirius thought as he failed miserably to defeat another Heartless. No, they could not. The imbeciles.

Once again Sirius was assaulted by the game over screen. "NO, YOUR MOM'S GAME IS OVER! AUUUUUGGGHHHH!" he shrieked in a fit of rage and shame, and hurled the Playstation out the window to join his cell phone.

"H-hello?" a quiet, frightened voice called from outside the window. "You all right in there?"

"No," Sirius growled, assuming the voice belonged to one of his billions of admirers. Though he made no secret of taking advantage of his fabulous looks whenever possible, he had actually grown tired rather quickly of being admired all the time. He was a year older after all, and in that year he had experienced more tackle-hugs from ridiculous fan girls than anyone should ever have to experience in their entire lifetime. And so he attempted to sound angry and foreboding in order to scare off the owner of the voice – most likely another idiot stalker.

But the probable idiot stalker was not deterred. "What's wrong? Maybe…I could help?"

At this display of kindness Sirius burst into tears. "No," he whispered through choked sobs, "no one can help me now."

"But maybe – "

"NO ONE." And he collapsed to the floor, shoulders shaking as his tears fell to the floor and caused roses to blossom up out of the carpet with every sparkling splash.

"I don't think that's true," the stalker said gently. Sirius looked up to see a somewhat familiar boy around his own age climbing in through the bedroom window. The boy's face was badly beaten up, and there were claw or teeth marks – some fresh, some scarred over – on his arms.

"Do you wrestle sharks?" Sirius sniffled.

"…What?"

"Sharks. You know. Great big vicious fish things with sharp teeth that eat vacationing Muggles every now and then?"

The boy looked puzzled. "Er, no, I don't."

Sirius sat up, wiping his tears away. "Sit with me?" he asked. Though it wasn't actually a question; had the boy refused, Sirius would have simply duct taped him to the floor.

"All right." The boy sat.

They stared at each other for about three full minutes before the stalker boy spoke.

"So, er, my name is Remus Lupin."

"Oh," said Sirius disinterestedly. He was thinking about sharks. Dreaming of Shark Week, which was his favorite week out of all the weeks in the entire universe.

"What's your name?" the boy prodded. Sirius narrowed his eyes. He didn't like prodders.

"Sirius Black," he replied curtly before his eyes glazed over and he contemplated the wondrous world of sharks once more.

Remus's eyes, however, were widened in shock and horror. "Wait a minute! I recognize you now! You – you – you're the one who knocked me off my bicycle!"

Sirius scoffed. "Bicycles are for losers."

"And why's that?" Remus snapped, his gentleness fading swiftly into anger.

"Because – because –" Sirius struggled to recall why he hated bicycles. "Because a bicycle killed my parents!" he finally cried, fixing Remus with a grief-stricken look.

"Merlin," said a sobered Remus, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

Just then the door to Sirius's room opened and his fake mother entered, wearing a fluffy yellow duck suit. "Sirius! You insolent little waffle-murderer! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO WATER THE BEGONIAS?"

Sirius leapt to his feet. "WE DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY BEGONIAS!" he shouted back. "THEY DIED OF LONELINESS AFTER I ACCIDENTALLY KILLED DAD! GET WITH THE TIMES!"

Remus leapt to his feet too. No, actually he skipped to his feet! It was weird. "You freaking liar! Your mother's standing right there! You just knocked me off my bike for a lark, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?"

Sirius looked from his mother to Remus to his mother to Remus again. Both were equally irate.

"I CANNOT TAKE ALL OF THIS ANGER!" Sirius screamed at them. "I'M A DELICATE CHILD! _A DELICATE CHILD!_"

With that he ran out of the room and down the hall, sobbing once again. This time tiny rainbow unicorns appeared from his fallen tears and galloped along behind him.


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**...BY WHICH I MEAN**

**CHAPTER THREE**

**

* * *

**

Remus, being a wimp, immediately felt deeply ashamed of his behavior and followed after Sirius to try to apologize. Sirius's fake mother just waddled away in her duck suit, quacking to herself. This was her routine every day of the week - even Wednesday.

After three hours of searching, Remus found Sirius hiding in the refrigerator behind the milk carton. "Sirius, please come out. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"No!" Sirius replied stubbornly.

"Please, Sirius, I swear I'll never be mean to you again! You can't live your life inside of a refrigerator!"

"No, it's nice and cool in here and smells pleasantly of lunchtime and I'm never coming out!"

Remus sighed and sat down in front of the fridge, letting his head fall into his hands in his exasperation. "Sirius," he said at last, "if I promise to always be your friend, and never let anyone be mean to you, will you come out of the refrigerator?"

There was a long, tense pause as Sirius considered the offer. He had never had a real friend before. Regulus did not count in the least, for it turned out he was kind of a git and besides, he always beat Sirius at MarioKart and a true friend would never do such a thing.

"Will you really be my friend for real?" Sirius asked warily.

"Yes," Remus promised, sincerity shining in his eyes like diamonds would shine if you plucked out Remus's eyes and replaced them with diamonds, but why would you do that, you sick freak? "I will always be your friend, Sirius. No matter what."

"Okay," Sirius said. "I'll come out of the fridge." He climbed out into the world again, and he and Remus embraced.

"I love you," Remus whispered under his breath as they broke away from each other.

Sirius looked confused. "Wait, what?"

But before Sirius could really pursue the matter, SUDDENLY Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore appeared in a burst of purple light! And he was wearing his DANCIN' SHOESSSS!

"Let's just _dance!"_ he declared, and everyone agreed. Then they had a rockin' dance party all night long! And when morning arrived, they all had chocolate chip pancakes and vodka – the breakfast of champions!

And so, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin became best friends.


End file.
